Rye Meetings

A crossroad.

I saw my boss from my previous job today.

Not that I look that much different from over a year ago, but I didn't want her to recognize me at first. She was extremely pleasant. And asked me how I'd been. We had a short conversation. I told her I was figuring myself out in a lot of regards — driving, school, etc. — and I was stressed about it. She told me that all that was definitely stressful, but that I could do it, despite that. And that was really nice to hear.

My first job was actually an office job as a teenager. The job I had with her was my second job. She was really hard on me. She definitely embraced the tough aspect of tough love. I am 99% sure she thought I was mentally handicapped because of the way she treated me after my first day.

On my first day working fast-food, my nerdy, nervous self asked her a few questions about working in the industry and specific things about our restaurant. Our conversation was quick. At the end of it, she looked me dead in the eyes and said: “You're not gonna make it here.” And then she promptly left me to do my orientation training on a laptop. I tried my best not to visibly cry during that.

I remember coming home that first day and crying in my partner's car. I didn't want to go back because I felt so shitty. My parents made me feel like that. I didn't willingly want to work somewhere where that feeling was replicated. But my partner said to just take it one day at a time — And he wouldn't judge me if I quit.

So I did that. And I stayed there for a little over three months, and then I came across the job I have now.

At one point during my short employment, she sat me down and we discussed a few of my personal struggles: my OCD, depression, my rocky relationship with my parents. She told me I needed to stop making excuses for myself in the most loving way possible. I needed to be fearless. Even though she was still rough around the edges with her delivery, I knew exactly what she meant. And so I do my best to carry that with me.

It was nice to see a face that believed in me.

#Personal #RambleRamble #Blog

Yeah, I love music too much to not share it with anyone.

The current song I'm adoring:

Comb My Hair ft. Tesia & Bruhnice – Pretty Boy Aaron

Might do this weekly or as I discover songs that I really vibe with.

I'm honestly still figuring out what I want to do with my write.as. I'm thinking about taking down my poems and whatnot and just leaving this for for personal reflections/journaling... We'll see.

🎶 ~So let me comb my hair for you, baaaby~ 🎶

#Music #Personal #NowPlaying #CurrentlyAdoring

I need to hold myself accountable for saving. I told one of my work mothers I'd text her every time I start setting aside money. I intend to start doing that now.

I think I'm going to wake up super early tomorrow to really outline my expenses and make a budget that I can gradually mince over time.

I don't consider myself a rude person. I do consider myself a bit impulsive, and at times lacking in tact.

There are times I hold my tongue because I don't feel I am in a position to speak freely without consequences (even if they are minute consequences, they add up) to my living situation. It's probably for the best that I don't speak in situations like these, but personally, I find that's a shitty place to be. That's a shitty place to live. I don't like being unnaturally quiet because survival dictates that I do.

I do not want to live the majority of my 20s beholden to anyone but myself in my personal affairs.

When I do get to the point of complete independence it's going to be a bit scary, because if I fail it'll be my own fault. But it will be empowering in an oddly masochistic-way...? The ability to be self-destructive rather than destruction via your environment. Something like that, at least.

I turn 21 toward the beginning of next year. That'll be minus one from this decade. I still have to accomplish an undergraduate degree and a driver's license.

Maintaining a strict budget is going to be difficult because of my impulsive leanings and my work environment. But if I conquer that I know I'll be able to conquer anything else financial in my head.

So, let's get to it.

#Personal #RambleRamble #Blog

I think in pictures, flashing images, and movies.

I feel a natural compulsion to get into film because that's just how I'm geared mentally. That's how I decipher the world — through visuals and emotions.

And I would get into film to make movies and music videos. But it just seems so expensive. The various equipment, the editing. Maybe if I went to film school I'd be able to do all that and rent equipment. But I don't want to lock myself into a film degree if it's something I don't want to do in the end.

I have a forever growing list of songs that when I listen to them each time, I can clearly see a story in my head.

But it hurts sometimes to think about said stories because I don't have the means to realize that vision. I mean, I suppose I could try and scrounge up what I have currently have in my own home and community. But I am a hard-ass. I demand excellence from myself. I know when you first begin in any field, what you initially create is far from excellent. I think because I visualize everything in my head, not just music, I want sheer perfection in my creative execution.

Hell, I have a “Music Videos To Make” playlist on my Spotify.

I like writing. Because in the end, all you need is your mind and a writing implement. You're still creating and weaving a story like a film, just without straightforward visuals and sounds. With film, there's so much to cover. Which is awesome, but it's not simple for an individual to pursue. I teeter and totter between pursuing it. Writing is fulfilling to me. I know without a doubt film, with the right resources and equipment, would be more fulfilling to me. But I don't know if I have it in me to go through all those avenues and hoops if my end result will be subpar even with stellar conditions.

It feels kind of lame to admit that. Writing does give me a kick. So I don't believe I'm settling so much so as I'm choosing to pursue a different path in life.

In choosing writing I suppose my ultimate goal is to sync what I experience mentally, be it a music video or a story idea, on paper. Film would be an easier medium to realize this, but the journey would be more challenging than writing. Both are challenging, but film just feels that way more so. But I think that's just because I haven't pursued it yet.

#Personal #Blog #RambleRamble

I get a little self-conscious on Mastodon. The fediverse feels like high school. Except the people are actually really fucking smart and actually cool. I feel weird being myself: A young adult, cis-gendered female of color. The fediverse isn't an oppressive place, but it is one of those places where it can feel like if you're not the norm you're not welcome as much as those who are the norm.

I come across people on the fediverse who, for lack of a better phrase, just attract people. These people seem to and incite people to respond. I don't believe I incite such a response, or at least I haven't yet. I know (mostly) at the end of the day I'm a decent person and if people don't interact with me it doesn't mean that I am an alien invader freakshow.

And then I see people who toot and don't give a shit. But that just feels sad to me. To just put things out into the void for everyone to see but create zero interaction. So I don't mind tooting, but I feel sad in a way not interacting with others. And I guess the fediverse is not as small as I'd like to think. It is a lot smaller than Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, but it's expanding every day. So in my mind, it makes sense if no one sees and engages with you on those larger platforms. But I suppose I should just wipe that mindset and not expect much, if any, interaction on the fediverse.

I feel like a child too at some moments. Everyone has an opinion on capitalism, philosophy, topics I’ve never even thought about. Some of it I can grasp and agree with, but some of it I can grasp but I don't want to blindly follow people face-first into principles and practices I know little about. No matter how cool and smart I think you are, I'm not going to blindly follow you or praise you for tailcoat clout. That's just how I am. And even though the fediverse isn't a groupthink machine — I often think of it as quite the opposite — I feel like the attitude of learning first with philosophies and politics is frowned upon. It feels like when you get on the fediverse, you must have an opinion on all these things. And if you don't people are not going to care about what you have to say because you are uninformed.

I know I have a lot to learn. We all have lots of shit to learn. But the fediverse, I guess what I'm trying to say, in the end, feels more like a place where people can have conversations rather than a place where people can learn a great deal and have conversations.

Learning does take place on Mastodon, I see it. But those moments are few and far between compared to those moments where people go back and forth debating and conversing on a seemingly equal level of understanding.

#Personal #FediverseThoughts #RambleRamble

My mom's then-boyfriend was driving my mom, me, and my siblings home late one night. My mom yelled at me for being too rowdy at one o'clock in the morning, setting a bad example for my siblings.

I was teary-eyed, looking down at the floorboard. When I won the window seat, I liked to make eye contact with anybody who was in the backseat of the car next to us on the road. 

We hit a red light.

So I turned to look at the car beside us. It was a black sedan, There was a kid in the backseat there too. They looked sad and teary-eyed like me. We made eye contact just stared at each other for what seemed like forever.

The kid smiled and began to wave. I didn't know what to do. My kid-brain believed I would be committing to something and that that kid might possibly turn into a monster (for a reason I can't recall now) if I were to wave back. So I ducked under the window.

The light turned green.

I popped my head back up and I saw the kid staring back at me, smile gone.

I raised my hand to wave.

But their car turned left as we sped straight. I craned my neck to see if they saw that I tried or at least started to wave back, but their car was lost in the reddish-orange fog of the street lights.

I couldn't look out the window for the rest of the ride. I just stared at the floorboard. I could tell in my peripheral that other late-night kids were trying to communicate with me from their own backseats, but I wouldn't have been good to talk to. I couldn't wave back because I was a scaredy-cat.

I think about that moment, once in a blue moon, late at night when I dissociate. If that kid was okay and grew up okay. If they're still breathing and going about their life. And if they even remember that moment and me. And that I didn't wave back.

#Personal #SmallStories

I want to be able to do all the things. Read + write + sew + knit + crochet + be the best cat mom ever and more. I can't do all those things if I don't optimize my time.

After clocking out, I traveled home this past Saturday feeling uneasy. Towards the end of the day, one of my managers rudely and abruptly interrupted an interaction I was having with a customer to use the computer I was in front of. I was baffled that she would interrupt me like that so I just stood stupid staring at her for a minute. There was no apology from her.

My conversation with that customer had no hopes of being redeemed.

The customer wasn't going to buy anything — which is ultimately our tangible goal as sales associates — but solidifying lasting and meaningful relationships is where we have to really excel in a world where people hate useless people.

I walked onto the floor and made myself constructively busy to mask how pissed I was. Over our radio she said, “Geez Mara, I just wanted to use the computer. Why'd you have to look at me like I was crazy?”

Bracing myself, gritting my teeth: “The customer always comes first. And even though my customer wasn't going to buy, you abruptly ended our interaction toward a positive outcome for the store.”

No response.

I don't regret what I said. I do regret my initial response to her interrupting my customer and I.

Being assertive with people I know is hard for me. But we can't be solely self-serving in a field where we're to advise people on their purchases. People already sees salespeople as slimey. I refuse to further that belief at my job.

Getting home that night, I knew I needed to focus on something other than myself but I needed to stay awake. Otherwise I'd do something useless like take an anger nap or stare in the mirror and poke at my imperfections for at least two hours. So I sat at my laptop debating on what to do instead of sleep.

I thought about all the ways I spend time unproductively.

I spend a significant amount of my time looking at clothing + makeup. Fashion has always been intriguing to me since I was little, and makeup has become so somewhat recently. I've been hooked on the YouTube Beauty Community since late-highschool. Consuming this content is great for developing my makeup skill, but I feel my wallet is too well-acquainted with Sephora's prices. I've been laying off watching most beauty guru's for the past few months because work has gotten a bit more intensive for me. I still keep up with the drama, but watching less of the beauty guru's content helps me not focus on what I have and don't have makeup-wise. And this in turn opens up more time for me to live my life with purpose.

So I deleted 5,000+ promotional emails from my personal Gmail, it took a long-ass time, but I did it. Most of it was clothing and makeup offers. I'm also thinking about going through my emails tagged as updates and social too, but maybe it'd just be easier to start clean with a new email address and possibly new email client. I'll have to look into that.

Even though I look at my inbox sporadically whether or not I receive emails, it still time spent. And that time adds up. I'd rather it add up to something worthwhile than something mindless.

I still feel susceptible to impulse purchases, but now I at least am not bombarded with them on my primary messaging client.

#personal #blog #rambleramble

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